Beating back the bah humbugs!

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you should know already that we put our tree up last night. It turned out to be a much better evening than I had thought it would be.

Our Xmas Tree

We started the day off with more fraud charges on Chel's bank account, thought a kid might've swiped her card, but it turned out it was these scammers. So, a good evening was definitely needed.

Dinner was awesome, and not to mention cheap. $8 to feed all of us. Thank you sales at Meijers! Veal patties with spaghetti sauce, melted mozarella cheese on top with some linguini as a bed. Mmm mmm mmm! Very tasty! While Chel was making dinner, Zach and I assembled the tree. A couple years ago, we decided to replace the monstrosity that was the tree my parents gave me years ago and got the white, pre-lit one in the picture. I really like the fact that I don't have to struggle with stringing lights all around it. Also Chel had made a batch of cookie dough, so that was chilling in the fridge as well.

After dinner, the dough came out and we broke out our sweet set of holiday cookie cutters. I think we bought them at Michael's a couple years ago, but there's 40 of them, half large half small. We had enough dough to make 4 pans of cookies, not a whole lot, but we're going to decorate them tonight.

While the cookies were being cut and cooked, I tasked the dork twins on xmas decoration seeking. After about 15 minutes, they came back upstairs with a tub full of stuff. Yay! I spent a good hour going through it and sorting good from bad and making discoveries of stuff that I didn't know we had from when Chel and I combined our stuff. You really can't tell from the pic, but the ornaments are a mixed bag. Some keepsakes/heirlooms, some cheap-o plastic ones (that look cool at any rate), and these sweet little ones that Chel had made years ago from some kit. Between myself, Chel and the kids we had the tree all decorated relatively quickly.

Add in the eeePC sitting on the table blaring xmas music, the mood was cheery and festive. I remarked to Chel later that there wasn't a fight or argument all night. Truly a holiday miracle! I took pictures of the tree and the kids standing in front of it, figured since we're poor and didn't get school pics this year, might be cool to substitute my own special ones. After everything was said and done, kids in bed, I spent a few minutes taking so more 'artsy' pics of the tree. Random ornaments and such. Very cool stuff. I'll have to post them to my flickr account and show them off.

We may not be able to afford presents this year, but this is our gift to ourselves. Spending time together as a family is the best present we could get. The kids are quickly getting older and with any luck will fly from the nest in the next few years, so better enjoy it while we can.

Wishing the best for everyone this holiday season!
Rev.

The edge of fear and panic...

This was originally posted elsewhere, but I felt it belonged here as well..

-=0--

Last night, I found myself in a whole brand new world created out of the helllish old world I lived in years ago.

My lady was out having coffee with a friend, mainly to dissuade any romantic interest he may have in her, and I was/am completely fine with that. I work with the guy and he is a friend so there's no issue there.

I spent a good portion of the evening, talking with a friend and playing online. Completely fine with everything, up until around 11 pm. Then this nagging itch began in the back of my brain, scattering little doubts here and there. It kept progressing and getting more and more nagging and soon my concentration on the game was shot, and I kept picking up my phone.

As it was pretty cold in the basement, not to mention the room started to close in on me, I headed upstairs. At this point, I'm very anxious and keep looking at my phone. I decide to put the dogs to bed, trying to distract myself from what is obviously the grand entrance of a nasty panic attack. At one point, I looked at my phone and told myself that I wasn't going to text her because I didn't want to look like an asshole or checking up on her and threw it back down on the counter.

After that, I headed to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, smoking what buttends I could find in the ashtray. The house was silent, but the lack of sound was deafening. I laid down and grabbed my eeepc, suddenly needing to talk to someone..anyone... As I was just starting to talk to my friend, Chel got home. She realized what was going on and immediately started to talk me down.

I cannot remember ever having any kind of panic attack *ever*, even in the worst of situations, I am generally cool and calm. This scared me. Not only because it was something new, but this wasn't even a real date! This was just a couple of friends getting together to have some coffee and talk. I'm dreading the day that she goes out on an actual date, if this is going to be my reaction.

I know where this comes from. I know the specific event which caused it, or at least contributed greatly to my almost coming unhinged. My ex-wife. The night that she claims a co-worker wanted to take her out to dinner to 'thank her for her help during his divorce'. I highly suspected she was sleeping with him or another guy at the shop she worked for. She said she would be gone a couple hours and ended up being a couple hours later than that. This was one of many things that I had to deal with during our marriage, and I never got the chance or had the reason to do anything but suppress those awful memories and reactions.

Like I said before, this scares me. If I don't find a way to deal with this, then anything we try in our new life is going to come crashing down and I do not want that to happen. I don't want those things that are lurking in the darkest recesses of my mind to stay there, haunting me... waiting for the day to leap out and shred my confidence and send me into a downward spiral. Chel was and has been amazingly patient through all of this. I wish I had her patience and understanding, whatever peace she finds when I'm out doing my thing. I almost feel guilty because she would never do that to me and each time I come home, she's happy to see me and listen to me babble about my evening or whatever.

... The edge of fear lingers at the edges of my conciousness, I got lucky she came home when she did and was able to catch it and help me down from it.

There is a season, turn turn turn...

Not a lot to say other than I'm laying things aside for the time being. I don't have the desire or the want to be considered a complication or anything like that.

I am a nice guy. I do put the feelings of others into consideration in how I proceed with my path. I will let things alone that I do not want to let alone out of respect and caring.

I am not upset about this, or sad, or anything. In the past, I may been upset or even down about it, but I've been walking around with my head held high. My spirit is strong and it carries on.

That is all, sinners. Until next time, peace and love.
Rev.

Just an odd observation...

I was heading back upstairs after a quick break at work and as I waited for the elevator to come down, I realized something really funny about me and my life... Right now it's focused around the letter P.

I'm *P*oly.
I'm a *p*unk.
I'm a *p*ervert.
The lines between my *p*rivate life and my *p*ublic life are blurring.

Just kind of struck me as funny and I think almost giggled as I stepped into the elevator.

Blurring the lines, an admission...

For those that know me, and if you don't quite yet, I am for all practical purposes a very private person. What happens in my little world, I like to keep there. I'm not about parading my life for all to see, but things have changed in my life recently and are becoming all too apparent and noticeable.

So I'm just going to get it over and say it right here: I am poly. I've been hiding in this shell for too long without being able to admit it or deal with it. And now I'm just laying it out.

Chel and I have an open relationship. There I said it. We're both the same way.

What does this mean? It means that we are both capable of loving more than one person. Sounds clinical and dry, doesn't it? I've never been comfortable with being 'attached' to just one person. Not that I'm saying monogamy doesn't work it, it did, I have wonderful examples that say otherwise. It doesn't work for me.

What doesn't mean? It doesn't mean I'm just using this as an excuse to sleep around. I know that's a common misconception that floats around, and in our case, that's furthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, let me set the record straight. I am and will readily admit to being a very naughty and kinky person. I am not however, a slut or a manwhore. I cannot simply sleep with someone for purely physical reasons. There has be something more, a connection, feelings, a relationship. As a matter of fact, when it comes to sex, I have no lack of it.

This has been a long journey for me so far and it's so far from being over, and I'm learning each day to deal with things. To grow a little each day and realize that things that happened in my past are not going to be the same.

This has kind of become a tradition with not only me, but Chel as well, that we sometimes end posts with messages and I'm not going to skip this time...

First, for you, I know that I cannot wish all of the troubles away, but I hope that I can bring you some peace and moments of light. Keep searching for the sun, even on the cloudiest days.

And for you, the light of my life, you say that I am your rock, but you are mine. Your patience as I babble about my stumblings, my dreams, my desires is such a gift to me. Thank you.

Peace and love to you all,
Rev.

What an incredible birthday weekend!

I was going to write a blow by blow of what happened on this, which has to be the best birthday weekend that I've had in many, many years, but instead I just want to reflect on my life, the 37 years that I've lived so far.

In spite of my deep and ingrown cynicism, I have to say that I am truly blessed with a group of caring, fun and wonderful friends. Even the crazy Russian who kept supplying pickle shots. All I will say on the matter is beware a Russian with a tray of vodka shots and pickles.

Friday's nights events will not soon fade from my memories and I thank everyone who came out and made that a fun and crazy night from the bottom of my heart.

Last night, I finally got to see a band I grew up listening to and got to road trip to Detroit yet once again with friends who've made that trip many, many times in the past. Detroit punk rock shows never change and after the first two bands, the night got a lot better, culminating with DRI taking the stage and completely rocking my fucking socks off for the better part of two hours.

Tonight, I ended my weekend with dinner at my parents, cabbage rolls (yum! Thanks Mom!) and birthday cake with my family.

I have much more to say in reflection, but I'll save that for another post. Oh, and to top the weekend off, a very dear friend of mine found me on facebook.

I think this weekend was to quote my dear Chel, "a gift from the universe" for the past year and the crazy rollercoaster ride that it's been.

Peace and love to you all,
Rev.

Back in the saddle again...

Well, I'm legal again. The path to getting there was a little bit of adventure, but so worth it.

I slept in, because Sec of State doesn't open until 9, which blows by the way, my bank is open earlier than them. At any rate, I buzzed down and grabbed cash from the ATM since they don't take credit cards, which is another balls thing, and headed out to Mason.

There were a couple people ahead of me so I wasn't in for a long wait at all, awesome. I came armed with my renewal slips for my tags and my license and a pocket of cash to pay for it all. When the lady called my number, I marched up there and laid it all out for her. "I've got three things to take care of. Get my license reinstated, renewed, and renew my tags." Easy enough, huh? Wrong! First thing she asked me for was my license. Uhhhhh. The cops took it. I explained that and she pretty much said sorry, you have to prove who you are. Apparently your social security card isn't good enough to prove who you are, or bank cards, or anything you might carry in your wallet for that matter. She explained nicely that someone could've stolen my wallet and used those things to get a license in my name. Fine, alright, I get it. I'm going to have to come back with something to prove who I am. She rattled off a list of things that would work: birth certificate, high school diploma, college diploma, Sam's Club card... whoa, wait a second. Did she just say Sam's Club card? Yeah, apparently you have to show your license to get one, and with the photo on it, it's legal tender in getting yourself a new license. Well, I don't have one of those, and nothing else. I get a return pass and head home to dig through some boxes in hopes that I didn't throw away my old license... BUT, I did get the tags renewed, so one part of my mission was successful.

Mind you, I'm driving without a license.

So I go home, dredge Chel out of bed, and realize that I cannot find anything. Call my dad in hopes he would be home and he could maybe bring my birth certificate and high school diploma to me so I wouldn't have to drive (illegally) out to Bath to get them myself. No dice. Sooooo, Chel and I hop in the van and head out to my parents house where I keep those important documents. I don't know why I still keep them there, probably because I'm afraid something will happen to them if I have them.

Grab the birth certificate and high school diploma and head back to Mason. Thank you return pass because there were a few people there at this time. After getting sent to fill out the damn application, I head back up and commence the relegalization of myself. Showed the lady the certificate and diploma. She asked when I graduated, 1990, if you didn't know, and she replied that I had graduated with her youngest. I was like, oh? who? Shannon Kanouse. I laughed politely and asked how he was doing, all the while in my mind thinking of how much I hated him in school. But I'm not going to say that to his mother of all people. She filled out all the paperwork and took my money and sent me down the line to get my new photo taken. So, my new license photo is me with my mohawk and my Murphy's Law t-shirt on. I feel so special.

But at the end of the day, I'm legal again and Chel can go back to being a passenger - which she prefers very much more than being a driver. LOL

Two days until my birthday, I'm pretty excited because I finally get to see one of the bands I grew up listening to: DRI with some friends at Blondie's in Detroit. Tomorrow night we're going to celebrate my birthday at our favorite watering hole, the B&I. Hopefully it'll be a great time.

So, that was my adventure for the day, fun huh?

Until next time, sinners...
Rev.

A day of rest and reflection...

Yesterday was a good day for many reasons. All the kids were gone. We had no plans so Chel and I spent the day in our 'hidey hole' aka the bedroom for pretty much the entire day.

Sometimes you need to do that. Take a day away from all of the distractions that the world is throwing at you and just recharge and reconnect. Right now, we both needed that. Except for a cursory check of email and other little things, we spent the time together.

I recently started rewriting the music to some songs Chel did a few years ago because she wasn't very happy with how they sounded. Both of them are turning out quite well and I can't wait to get to get some basic recording done so we can show you all the work in progress and how very cool our collaboration has been. I'm hoping to get my friend Chris, who is an amazing drummer by the way, to do some acoustic drum stuff behind those and the other song that I wrote as well.

As you can tell, my muse has returned and I've been feeling so musically creative lately, not to mention my poetry writing has begun again in earnest. It seems to strike me at those times I need it the most, my emotions have been all over the place lately and I need a focus to keep me sane.

I've been finding my solace in music, particarly Depeche Mode and The Cure, lately. Both of those groups have songs and lyrics that are hitting where right where they need to.

Elsewhere in my little world, I've had to take a step back and just let things be for the moment. I've got some amazing and wonderous things happening inside of me that I don't want to wither away and die or be crushed my enthusiam. I want to stand up and shout, rattle the very heavens with my cry, but as a good Lady told me recently, "Patience is a virtue."

I'm finding this blog to be very theraputic, so expect more to come as the days pass and this year comes to a close and new one approaches.

In closing, I want to leave some special messages for certain people:

You are always invited to the party, my door is always open to you.

and...

You have touched me in ways I cannot even begin to fathom, you are special to me and that will never change. I will always be there, no matter what you need me to be.

Until next time, sinners.
Rev.

when I cannot find the words...

A poem, followed by song lyrics, kinda self-explanatory.


Music, it is my religion.

Music, it is my guide.

Music, it is my voice,

when I cannot find the words to say myself.


Only When I Lose Myself

It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized
I have found heaven
There's a thousand reasons
Why I should not spent my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
I can feel the emptiness inside me fade & disappear
There's a feeling of content that now you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven
Did I need to sell my soul
For pleasure like this
Did I have to lose control
To treasure your kiss
Did I need to place my heart
In the palm of your hand
Before I could even start
To understand
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
That I find my life
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l35XzUD8GGU

A early (un)happy birthday present

Courtesy of the Ingham County Sheriff's Department, that is.

After doing the whole family dinner thing, I decided to undertake a voyage to a friend's house for a night of something new to me, drinking wine. Grabbed a couple of interesting looking bottles from Meijer's then headed to her place.

It was a lovely evening, and I can say now that I actually do like wine and will be drinking more of it. ;) Also, Bono from U2 loves his crotch... a lot. She was watching Jurassic Park 2 when I got there, so we finished that and she popped in her U2 video dvd. Figure I might as well get a little more familiar with their music since we're going to go see them when they come to Spartan Stadium next summer in June.

I headed home sorta late-ish and much to my surprise when I got almost to 127 on Jolly, red and blues in my rear view. Great. I wasn't speeding or anything and by that time I was fine to drive so I have no idea why I'm being pulled over.

The deputy walked up to the van and mentioned something about how loud my muffler was and asked for my stuff. No problem, handed her my papers and sat back finishing my smoke, just going over the last few hours in my head. When she came back she asked me if I knew my license wasn't valid and that she was going to have to give me a sobriety test. I was a little stunned, but with a little explanation of the fact that I can barely feel my feet because of my diabetes, she had me do the drill and then blow in a breathalizer. And then she said she was getting my van towed and giving me a ride home. She also mentioned that it had been that way since July 12, 2007.

Took my license, towed my van, but at least she was nice enough to grab my iPod for me. So I get home, call into work because obviously at this point, I don't have a way to get there and try to settle down from traffic stop fun.

So today, I call my dad and ask him to give us a ride to pick up the van and call the towing company to see if they indeed had my van and how much it was going to cost me. $195. I was just a little stunned, but I gotta have the van and Chel can drive me to work until I get my license straightened out. I was already going to renew it since it expires on my birthday but damn. Remember the part above about it being since July of 2007? Mind you in this time, I had gotten the new van, renewed the registration for it and changed the address on my license. You would think that at some point they would've have said oh by the way your license is invalid. So, I guess on Monday I'm going to be making some phone calls and try to figure out what the hell happened because my license should have been perfectly alright.

Talking to the lady at the towing place (who apparently used to work for Sec of State) she noticed my driver's license renewal slip in with my other papers and mentioned that if my license was suspended/invalid then I probably wouldn't have gotten a renewal notice. So, now I'm trying to put two and two together. I know a couple years ago, after the last time I had issues with my license being expired, I had to pay that damn driver's responsibility fee, and was late paying so they suspended my license, but I took care of all of that, and paid to get my license reinstated. Great mysteries abound.

But all in all, even with that, it couldn't tarnish the awesome evening I spent with my friend, many laughs, good wine and interesting conversation. I hope to share another evening like that soon. It was good for my soul.

Sinner's Airway Flight 36...

Have you ever felt like your life was in a holding pattern? Circling the airport, waiting to land?

That's how I'm feeling lately. I can't say things are bad, and honestly, they're really not. As far as things go, they've been pretty on the level. A bit frustrating on some levels, but that's all part of the journey isn't it? I've kept this rickety plane in the air for the past 36 years and I don't intend to let it fall out of the sky...yet, or ever if I can help it.

My world has an interesting dichotomy at this point. Not unwelcome, but at the same time, generates a fair amount of stress, which apparently I thrive on for some reason. Or I just have wide enough shoulders to carry it all. I'm not really sure what makes me go lately, other than coffee. I'd like to say love and affection, which thankfully, hasn't dried up.

I've been having moments where my frustration boils over and all I can do is sit there with tears streaming down my cheeks. Sometimes it has a focus or a reason, but other times it's just the product of the emotional wellspring flooding over. Everything feels a little disjointed, like my thoughts...

I've been writing music lately. And not just chunks of stuff. We're talking music and lyrics. And I've started writing poetry again. Apparently I found my muse again and is flooding me with all sorts of love. Either that or I just need an outlet for all these emotions and music and poetry is just a natural one for me.

I'm running out of things to say, other than these last few final thoughts for certain people:

I'm not going anywhere, I am for real, and your feelings are not only important to me, they are precious to me.

Rev

Poems for a Thanksgiving Day...

I'll post an actual blog since work is being a little gentle right, but I wanted to put these up. I've found my muse again apparently. Music, poetry, lyrics... it's like the tap turned back on.

Angels with Broken Wings

Angels with broken wings
Minds swirling in darkness
Souls tortured by anguish
Tarnished hearts so precious
Would they take my hand?
Could they trust my grace?
---+----
Fury

Fists like iron balls of rage
I wish I could scream aloud
My anger refuses to be sated
The coals of my ire ignited
Like a thief from the past
Stealing from my present
I wish you could pay like I do
The price for your sins
---=---
Holding Pattern

I can see the ground
From my spiral holding pattern
So close, yet so far
Forced into autopilot
I just want to land this plane
So tired of flying
Feels like limbo
Want to feel your touch
Down on the ground

...

I feel truly like an embodiment of chaos today. My mind feels like it's been scrambled and I'm swinging back and forth between emotions like flipping the pages of a book.

I don't even know where to begin, other than I opened a door last night that I tried to hide for a very, very long time. There is a very good reason why I kept this door locked and hidden away for years, and I will spare the details, other than the events of one's childhood are not always pretty and fun and happy. I know now why partly I am the way am. My compulsions, my fears, my paralysis.

The last year has been a test of my backbone, my strength, my resolve, and so far I've come through better than I would've thought I would. But now, in light of other revelations about the past, I'm starting to see cracks around the edges. Cracks that if I don't do something about now, is going to wreck far greater havoc on my life than I could even imagine.

Right now, I need to be at my strongest. Maybe the cracks are just the nasty crust of the past that's built up and is finally getting ready to fall away. Or...is it my sanity that is cracking... I've resolved to not keep this to myself. I'm going to find someone to talk to. A counselor, a preacher, at this point, I don't care. I just can't do this by myself and my love needs me.

Even the Rev needs to talk to someone. I've spent too many years trying to deal with things on my own, and while partially successful, I'm not where I should be, need to be.

Rev.

Trying to re-engage the world

So, now that Collin's made his appearance into the world, and subsequently now home with his new family, it's time to hit the gearshift and re-engage the world. The last couple weeks have been tediously, full of waiting, full of stress and just downright not fun. At all.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is apathy right now, or it's just a general funk hangover from dealing with the events of the past two weeks. So far, all that really interests me is playing silly games on Pogo. I'm sure that'll change, but turning on Pandora, kicking back with tunes and mindless games seems to work right now.

I'm still in somewhat of a grump about work, but that's slowly drifting away. I think part of the problem was the amplification from the bebe drama, making things seem worse than they really were. Or maybe they are that bad. I'll refrain from further speculation since I generally try to not talk about work stuff. Out of respect for myself and my employer. Still trying to get used to 10 hours days again. It'll be easier now that babywatch 2009 is over and I can focus on what I need to do. I will however say that I don't quite understand why some people don't like manning the phones and help desk. It may get crazy, but makes time go so much faster than just being the supervisor on duty.

Halloween is coming up pretty soon! I so want to decorate a lot more than we did last year. It was fun, dressed up as a cow and playing the fool handing out candy to little kids. I still don't know what I want to dress up as this year. I was thinking the naughty fairy but in theory that's not a very... public... friendly idea. I heard another great idea last night I might swedge -- some chick was talking about her husband dressing up in all silver and getting a blow-up doll and being a stripper pole. I laughed a lot about that one. So, I dunno, we'll see.

Hrm, seem to have run out of things to talk about. *shrug* Life is not always as exciting as you want it to be. I guess.

Until next time, sinners...
Rev

He has arrived!

Welcome Collin James!

12:08am, September 26, 2009.

6lb 13oz, 18 1/2 in long.

Such a beautiful baby!

...

I can't think of a good title. My brain is pretty much fried at this point. For the fourth time in five days, we were back at the hospital last night, pretty damn sure they were going to keep the girl and figure out a way to convince the kid he wanted to be born.

Damn, we were wrong. Here's the kicker (and why the hell they couldn't have told us this before), they won't do anything for her for another 4 days. ?!?! Are you fuckin' kidding me? Apparently ultrasounds are kind of sketchy when it comes to predicting due dates, etc so she might not be quite far along as we thought. How they came up with this magic 4 day number I have no idea. And why last night did they bother to finally tell us this.

So unless her water breaks, or something else 'big' happens, bebe arrival isn't gonna happen anytime soon. Much to the chagrin of my lady and I. It's more a matter of frustration at not being able to do much of anything because we might have to bolt at a moment's notice. And the girl is omgwhineyhovering, which is only driving her mother slowly and surely insane. Not to mention everyone else in the house is suffering as well. Even down to the poor doogs.

With any luck, her water will break soon. Then they'll keep her and make things happen. I guess knowing something is better than nothing. Yeah, that was rhetorical.

I've taken up reading again, which is something I've been meaning to do. Right now I'm about halfway through The History of Hell by Alice Turner. Fascinating read, it's like the third time that I've sat down and tried to make it through it. I'll have to post a summary/review when I'm done. I recommend it to anyone who wants to know how the concept of hell has come about since the beginning of history.

I'm not sure what I'm going to go onto next. Last book I read was Lasher, by Anne Rice, the second book in the Mayfair witches chronicle. I think I may go back and read The Witching Hour, which is the first book. Dunno, I may just pick up another good non-fiction book. I always feel better reading something educational. Or I may just start reading the Shannara stuff again. I always did enjoy that series.

Anyways, that's really about it. Just trying to suffer through another work day, technically this is my last day for the week, but I'm going to come in tomorrow to make up some hours I missed earlier in the week due to bebe-drama. At least I'm not going to have to be in at 7 like usual.

So, until next time, sinners.
Rev.

A watched bebe never hatches?

Third time in 4 days that we've been at Sparrow with hopes that little man will finally make an appearance. All I can say is stubborn baby is stubborn.

At least the waiting room is somewhat comfortable. One lesson I've learned of late is to bring a book. I'm certainly not wanting to be in the room. Been there, done that. Seen the process.

I guess the events of the past few days have really cemented something for me. I love my family, as messed up and chaotic as it is sometimes. We really do put the fun in dysfunctional. And that's not a joke either, well, we think it's funny. But I wouldn't trade them for the world.

My wonderful love posted a blog the other night that really hit me good. I was sitting at my desk, tears streaming down my cheeks. Not unhappy tears, but just ones from the flood of emotions that I've been going through lately. Between work and home, my stress levels should be pretty crippling, but again I go back to how much I love my family. Even in the midst of all the bickering from the teenagers and barking of the doogs, it just seems right.

This whole ordeal will be over soon and a new life will be brought into this world. Lessons will have hopefully have been learned, and I think my love and I are much stronger people both personally and as a couple.

I guess I need to at least try to deal with the facts here. At 36, I'm going to be a grandfather. He will not be with us, but we will get the chance to see him grow up. The couple that is adopting Collin are two of the most wonderful and kind people that I've had opportunity to meet and get to know. I cannot be happier for them and for him. The past few months have been bittersweet for me. To see the innocence of your children stripped away like that is very rough. And I've come to accept what happened, and I try to remember each day that out of our pain, joy is flowering.

I think that's about enough, 3 posts in one day. Ugh. Apparently I've got things on my mind that want to escape. Such is life.

Until next time, sinners.
Rev

Just to get it out of my head...

I've never been one who has had a strong sense of self, or self-esteem. By nature, I'm an introvert, though I try a little more each day to work with that. It's nothing I'm going to completely overcome, but at least I'd like to get to the point where it's not a crushing problem for me. Which I think I'm starting to get there. The other night at the hospital my son mentioned to me that it was pretty cool that I could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. But anyways, the real reason for the opener is that is what I've been kind of dealing with lately. Even with multiple people telling me not to take it so personally, I still can't help but do just that. Apparently one of my other flaws is my pride. And things that bust at all on that, tend to upset me and make me a little unruly.

So, for the sake of my sanity and my family's sanity I'm going to try to work this out. Probably going to be a long post, so sit back and relax. I'll try not to bore you.

I've always taken pride in the fact that at most every job that I've had, I was able to read the lay of the land and power forward and upwards. Before I started working here, I'd made my way to some sort of supervisorial or management type position at almost every place I've worked. So, after 7 months becoming a supervisor, and then just shy of a year becoming a manager, it was pretty much par for the course. I have a strong work ethic, I'm adaptable, and I know how to work with people. I've also got a pretty good idea of what being a manager means. Here's my version of it, and feel free to tell me if you think that I'm wrong:

A manager is someone who leads a group of people, a team. They outline goals and expectations for that team, provide guidance to reach those goals, and stand up for them. They are your people and you are the leader. I don't think it gets any simpler than that, am I wrong? Sometimes you dig in and get your hands dirty, but at the end of the day, your purpose is to make them better. Make them shine. Bring out the best in them.

So, I'm tossed into this position rather suddenly. There are zero guidelines. There is nothing to tell myself and the other two how we're supposed to make a go of this. I immediately fall into what I know. I've got a team of supervisors who lead up a team of grunts. Working with the other two, we spend the next six months tweaking and shaping, bringing this department into a formidable ticket processing machine. The next six months are spent finelining things even more. Mind you, we've gotten no feedback other than people saying we're doing a great job. After a year and a couple months, I have a review where I'm basically told that what I was doing wasn't right and that I need to be focusing on the bigger picture, I need to pick up projects and some other stuff. So I talk with the others, get some suggestions pick up a rather involved project involving customer interaction and run with it. All the while, still working on my supervisors to improve themselves and let it trickle down to the regular staff. I'm mostly comfortable, looking at the bigger picture and trying to figure out where the problems lie, bringing those to my team so we can work out a scheme/action plan/whatever together, since we've proven that three heads are better than one and things end up better when we do.

All of the sudden, I'm pulled into a room and told that I'm still not doing what they want. Not even a couple of months after I was directed to make improvements. And without any real discussion (it had already been decided and my opinion wasn't going to make a lick of difference) I was sent back to being a supervisor.

As you can imagine, I was almost physically ill. With anger, with frustration, with any emotion that swirled up to the surface at this point. I raged. I swore. And at the end of it all, I accepted it. Well, to a point. I still haven't accepted it fully.

This is where I am at. I feel utterly failed by those who put me in this place. I had nothing to go by and what I was doing couldn't be put in a pretty little list and quantified. I was doing exactly what they asked, and fulfilling things to the best that I thought. I had been told that I was brought in because of my people skills, because I had a certain mindset about things that mixed well with the other two. Betrayed. That's the best word I can put to it.

I can't write anymore without getting spiteful. It's obvious that ideologies weren't matching up and I can't agree with that more. So I will gladly go back to doing what I was doing before. Less stress and I know exactly what I'm doing. Which feels like I'm incriminating myself because that's where they said my failure was. Sadly, it couldn't be further from the truth.

I enjoy being a supervisor, and besides someone needs to look out for these people, not only supervisors, but regular techs.

Until next time, sinners.
Rev

Web 2.0, Social Media and Responsibilty

I'm not the biggest fan of this Web 2.0/Twitter/Facebook/my life in less than 140 characters crock o' kaka that's being forcefed down our throats lately. Yeah, I am on Twitter and Facebook, just like I was on MySpace, or whatever FOTM social networking gotta have it site. If I dislike it so much why am I on them? Because I've at least gotten in contact with people from my past that I appreciated their friendship or what have you. That's pretty much it.

It can be fun, kind of interesting, and there is occasional nuggets of something good. But for the most part it's just a bunch of crap. First, let me explain why, then I'll go on to the real bitch I have about this.

I just wrote a whole bunch and realized that I could sum it up so much sweeter and simpler, and hopefully with less piss and vinegar, but I'm never one to slack on the vitriol as it were.

Complaint #1: By tweeting/statusing every little thing you do/say/hear, you are effectively eliminating the very reason that we (meaning me and you) have to interact, to have conversation, to give me a reason to seek you out and just talk to you. Condensing our lives into little chunks of 140 characters or less is so demeaning.

Words of wisdom? You're not anywhere as cool as you think you are.

Complaint #2: People who feel the need to be attention whores and spray in my face how they think they are the proverbial cat's ass and somehow better than me because of x, y, or z. For serious? All it really says to me is that apparently your life is so lacking in affirmation or something, that you need to parade it in front of everyone, "Look at me! Look at me!" I have no problems sharing in the joys of great accomplishments and victories, but when it's in your face all the time, it loses it's flavor. And it really does make you look like a self-important doucheweasel.

Let me repeat that for you: You're not as cool as you think you are.

Here's the real meat of why I'm disliking this whole she-bang more and more. It all comes down to being responsible and accountable for what you're putting out there. Use good judgement about what you're posting, especially if you're a high-profile person and you are connecting your name with say, the company that you work for. Posting links to inappropriate and questionable material, however funny it may be, is damaging in ways that you can't start to believe would be. Same goes for making nasty comments about customers and/or co-workers. So you think some of your customers are complete retards, how quaint, but putting that in a place where anyone can see it will eventually backfire on you. And if you have people following you on Twitter or Facebook who happen to co-workers of yours, all you are doing is creating derision and eroding whatever bonds of teamwork there might be.

Failsafe for this? Create an alter-ego, a more anonymous persona to be as douchey as you want to be. All that hard work you've done cultivating those contacts and all the networking that you've done can be undone by a few missed judgement calls.

Oh, and one last thing, you are not as cool as you think you are. Take it from me.

Peace out, sinners.
The Rev.

My first music festival

My lovely lady and I had the pleasure of attending Rothbury this year. A first for both of us, neither had attended a weekend long music festival. Excitement was high, expectations as well, and by the end of it, I learned a few important lessons about such creatures.

Just to start off, my impressions: Incredible. Simply awesome. The music, the vibe, the people were all just crazycool. I got to see some bands/performers that I've been wanting to see for years, and got to see a different side of people that I normally dislike (and still do for the most part, keep reading). The event was set up very nicely, and the VIP extras were well worth the cashola that we shelled out for them.

Who we got to see: Toubab Krewe, Future Rock, G Love and Special Sauce, Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys, Femi Kuti and the Positive Force, Flogging Molly, The Black Crowes, The Dead.

Sadly, our adventure ended early with my love's knees and ankles just not being able to take it. There was an assload of walking, even with the shuttles (which we discovered a day later than we would've liked).

I will say that my favorite of them all was probably Ralph Stanley, with The Dead and G Love close behind. That man is a living legend. The performance was like watching an old time television show, he told stories, joked, and the band played some simply awesome mountain music. Even the little bit of rain did nothing to chill the warmth of hearing him and his band work some magic.

What I didn't like about the whole music festival experience: People and their lack of recognizing personal space. Shows spread out over a huge place so that my poor legs would've fell off if we had tried to catch all of the ones we wanted. The jackasses in the tent next to us sucking on nitrous balloons at 5 in the morning and were apparently still at it at 10 when we woke up.

That being said, we will be going next year for sure. We just need a bigger showing of friends, the downtime was killer without a group of folks having a good time. We're also going to go to Wheatland in September, which ought to be a good time as well. I'm all about staying in my home state and patronizing music festivals, keep the money in Michigan, y'know!?

I'm so past my bedtime, but I wanted to say a piece or two about Rothbury. It was certainly a life-changing experience.

What I've learned for next time: More food, a table, more decorations for the tent, and most importantly -- bring more friends!

Take it ease, sinners, I'll be back soon.
Rev

Just a few words to start the journey...

Rev here,

Just wanted to say a few things about myself and who I am and what you should expect from this blog. I'm generally a nice guy, but I get torqued off about stupid shit sometimes. With good reason usually.

I'll let my posts speak mainly for themselves, but take this as a friendly warning. I'm not always sunshine and roses, most times I'm full of piss and vinegar, bringing down the fire and brimstone with a fistful of righteousness.

Until next time, sinners, remember the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The Rev