...

I feel truly like an embodiment of chaos today. My mind feels like it's been scrambled and I'm swinging back and forth between emotions like flipping the pages of a book.

I don't even know where to begin, other than I opened a door last night that I tried to hide for a very, very long time. There is a very good reason why I kept this door locked and hidden away for years, and I will spare the details, other than the events of one's childhood are not always pretty and fun and happy. I know now why partly I am the way am. My compulsions, my fears, my paralysis.

The last year has been a test of my backbone, my strength, my resolve, and so far I've come through better than I would've thought I would. But now, in light of other revelations about the past, I'm starting to see cracks around the edges. Cracks that if I don't do something about now, is going to wreck far greater havoc on my life than I could even imagine.

Right now, I need to be at my strongest. Maybe the cracks are just the nasty crust of the past that's built up and is finally getting ready to fall away. Or...is it my sanity that is cracking... I've resolved to not keep this to myself. I'm going to find someone to talk to. A counselor, a preacher, at this point, I don't care. I just can't do this by myself and my love needs me.

Even the Rev needs to talk to someone. I've spent too many years trying to deal with things on my own, and while partially successful, I'm not where I should be, need to be.

Rev.