Just to get it out of my head...

I've never been one who has had a strong sense of self, or self-esteem. By nature, I'm an introvert, though I try a little more each day to work with that. It's nothing I'm going to completely overcome, but at least I'd like to get to the point where it's not a crushing problem for me. Which I think I'm starting to get there. The other night at the hospital my son mentioned to me that it was pretty cool that I could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. But anyways, the real reason for the opener is that is what I've been kind of dealing with lately. Even with multiple people telling me not to take it so personally, I still can't help but do just that. Apparently one of my other flaws is my pride. And things that bust at all on that, tend to upset me and make me a little unruly.

So, for the sake of my sanity and my family's sanity I'm going to try to work this out. Probably going to be a long post, so sit back and relax. I'll try not to bore you.

I've always taken pride in the fact that at most every job that I've had, I was able to read the lay of the land and power forward and upwards. Before I started working here, I'd made my way to some sort of supervisorial or management type position at almost every place I've worked. So, after 7 months becoming a supervisor, and then just shy of a year becoming a manager, it was pretty much par for the course. I have a strong work ethic, I'm adaptable, and I know how to work with people. I've also got a pretty good idea of what being a manager means. Here's my version of it, and feel free to tell me if you think that I'm wrong:

A manager is someone who leads a group of people, a team. They outline goals and expectations for that team, provide guidance to reach those goals, and stand up for them. They are your people and you are the leader. I don't think it gets any simpler than that, am I wrong? Sometimes you dig in and get your hands dirty, but at the end of the day, your purpose is to make them better. Make them shine. Bring out the best in them.

So, I'm tossed into this position rather suddenly. There are zero guidelines. There is nothing to tell myself and the other two how we're supposed to make a go of this. I immediately fall into what I know. I've got a team of supervisors who lead up a team of grunts. Working with the other two, we spend the next six months tweaking and shaping, bringing this department into a formidable ticket processing machine. The next six months are spent finelining things even more. Mind you, we've gotten no feedback other than people saying we're doing a great job. After a year and a couple months, I have a review where I'm basically told that what I was doing wasn't right and that I need to be focusing on the bigger picture, I need to pick up projects and some other stuff. So I talk with the others, get some suggestions pick up a rather involved project involving customer interaction and run with it. All the while, still working on my supervisors to improve themselves and let it trickle down to the regular staff. I'm mostly comfortable, looking at the bigger picture and trying to figure out where the problems lie, bringing those to my team so we can work out a scheme/action plan/whatever together, since we've proven that three heads are better than one and things end up better when we do.

All of the sudden, I'm pulled into a room and told that I'm still not doing what they want. Not even a couple of months after I was directed to make improvements. And without any real discussion (it had already been decided and my opinion wasn't going to make a lick of difference) I was sent back to being a supervisor.

As you can imagine, I was almost physically ill. With anger, with frustration, with any emotion that swirled up to the surface at this point. I raged. I swore. And at the end of it all, I accepted it. Well, to a point. I still haven't accepted it fully.

This is where I am at. I feel utterly failed by those who put me in this place. I had nothing to go by and what I was doing couldn't be put in a pretty little list and quantified. I was doing exactly what they asked, and fulfilling things to the best that I thought. I had been told that I was brought in because of my people skills, because I had a certain mindset about things that mixed well with the other two. Betrayed. That's the best word I can put to it.

I can't write anymore without getting spiteful. It's obvious that ideologies weren't matching up and I can't agree with that more. So I will gladly go back to doing what I was doing before. Less stress and I know exactly what I'm doing. Which feels like I'm incriminating myself because that's where they said my failure was. Sadly, it couldn't be further from the truth.

I enjoy being a supervisor, and besides someone needs to look out for these people, not only supervisors, but regular techs.

Until next time, sinners.
Rev