The edge of fear and panic...

This was originally posted elsewhere, but I felt it belonged here as well..

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Last night, I found myself in a whole brand new world created out of the helllish old world I lived in years ago.

My lady was out having coffee with a friend, mainly to dissuade any romantic interest he may have in her, and I was/am completely fine with that. I work with the guy and he is a friend so there's no issue there.

I spent a good portion of the evening, talking with a friend and playing online. Completely fine with everything, up until around 11 pm. Then this nagging itch began in the back of my brain, scattering little doubts here and there. It kept progressing and getting more and more nagging and soon my concentration on the game was shot, and I kept picking up my phone.

As it was pretty cold in the basement, not to mention the room started to close in on me, I headed upstairs. At this point, I'm very anxious and keep looking at my phone. I decide to put the dogs to bed, trying to distract myself from what is obviously the grand entrance of a nasty panic attack. At one point, I looked at my phone and told myself that I wasn't going to text her because I didn't want to look like an asshole or checking up on her and threw it back down on the counter.

After that, I headed to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, smoking what buttends I could find in the ashtray. The house was silent, but the lack of sound was deafening. I laid down and grabbed my eeepc, suddenly needing to talk to someone..anyone... As I was just starting to talk to my friend, Chel got home. She realized what was going on and immediately started to talk me down.

I cannot remember ever having any kind of panic attack *ever*, even in the worst of situations, I am generally cool and calm. This scared me. Not only because it was something new, but this wasn't even a real date! This was just a couple of friends getting together to have some coffee and talk. I'm dreading the day that she goes out on an actual date, if this is going to be my reaction.

I know where this comes from. I know the specific event which caused it, or at least contributed greatly to my almost coming unhinged. My ex-wife. The night that she claims a co-worker wanted to take her out to dinner to 'thank her for her help during his divorce'. I highly suspected she was sleeping with him or another guy at the shop she worked for. She said she would be gone a couple hours and ended up being a couple hours later than that. This was one of many things that I had to deal with during our marriage, and I never got the chance or had the reason to do anything but suppress those awful memories and reactions.

Like I said before, this scares me. If I don't find a way to deal with this, then anything we try in our new life is going to come crashing down and I do not want that to happen. I don't want those things that are lurking in the darkest recesses of my mind to stay there, haunting me... waiting for the day to leap out and shred my confidence and send me into a downward spiral. Chel was and has been amazingly patient through all of this. I wish I had her patience and understanding, whatever peace she finds when I'm out doing my thing. I almost feel guilty because she would never do that to me and each time I come home, she's happy to see me and listen to me babble about my evening or whatever.

... The edge of fear lingers at the edges of my conciousness, I got lucky she came home when she did and was able to catch it and help me down from it.