A day of rest and reflection...

Yesterday was a good day for many reasons. All the kids were gone. We had no plans so Chel and I spent the day in our 'hidey hole' aka the bedroom for pretty much the entire day.

Sometimes you need to do that. Take a day away from all of the distractions that the world is throwing at you and just recharge and reconnect. Right now, we both needed that. Except for a cursory check of email and other little things, we spent the time together.

I recently started rewriting the music to some songs Chel did a few years ago because she wasn't very happy with how they sounded. Both of them are turning out quite well and I can't wait to get to get some basic recording done so we can show you all the work in progress and how very cool our collaboration has been. I'm hoping to get my friend Chris, who is an amazing drummer by the way, to do some acoustic drum stuff behind those and the other song that I wrote as well.

As you can tell, my muse has returned and I've been feeling so musically creative lately, not to mention my poetry writing has begun again in earnest. It seems to strike me at those times I need it the most, my emotions have been all over the place lately and I need a focus to keep me sane.

I've been finding my solace in music, particarly Depeche Mode and The Cure, lately. Both of those groups have songs and lyrics that are hitting where right where they need to.

Elsewhere in my little world, I've had to take a step back and just let things be for the moment. I've got some amazing and wonderous things happening inside of me that I don't want to wither away and die or be crushed my enthusiam. I want to stand up and shout, rattle the very heavens with my cry, but as a good Lady told me recently, "Patience is a virtue."

I'm finding this blog to be very theraputic, so expect more to come as the days pass and this year comes to a close and new one approaches.

In closing, I want to leave some special messages for certain people:

You are always invited to the party, my door is always open to you.

and...

You have touched me in ways I cannot even begin to fathom, you are special to me and that will never change. I will always be there, no matter what you need me to be.

Until next time, sinners.
Rev.

when I cannot find the words...

A poem, followed by song lyrics, kinda self-explanatory.


Music, it is my religion.

Music, it is my guide.

Music, it is my voice,

when I cannot find the words to say myself.


Only When I Lose Myself

It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized
I have found heaven
There's a thousand reasons
Why I should not spent my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
I can feel the emptiness inside me fade & disappear
There's a feeling of content that now you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven
Did I need to sell my soul
For pleasure like this
Did I have to lose control
To treasure your kiss
Did I need to place my heart
In the palm of your hand
Before I could even start
To understand
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
That I find my life
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l35XzUD8GGU

A early (un)happy birthday present

Courtesy of the Ingham County Sheriff's Department, that is.

After doing the whole family dinner thing, I decided to undertake a voyage to a friend's house for a night of something new to me, drinking wine. Grabbed a couple of interesting looking bottles from Meijer's then headed to her place.

It was a lovely evening, and I can say now that I actually do like wine and will be drinking more of it. ;) Also, Bono from U2 loves his crotch... a lot. She was watching Jurassic Park 2 when I got there, so we finished that and she popped in her U2 video dvd. Figure I might as well get a little more familiar with their music since we're going to go see them when they come to Spartan Stadium next summer in June.

I headed home sorta late-ish and much to my surprise when I got almost to 127 on Jolly, red and blues in my rear view. Great. I wasn't speeding or anything and by that time I was fine to drive so I have no idea why I'm being pulled over.

The deputy walked up to the van and mentioned something about how loud my muffler was and asked for my stuff. No problem, handed her my papers and sat back finishing my smoke, just going over the last few hours in my head. When she came back she asked me if I knew my license wasn't valid and that she was going to have to give me a sobriety test. I was a little stunned, but with a little explanation of the fact that I can barely feel my feet because of my diabetes, she had me do the drill and then blow in a breathalizer. And then she said she was getting my van towed and giving me a ride home. She also mentioned that it had been that way since July 12, 2007.

Took my license, towed my van, but at least she was nice enough to grab my iPod for me. So I get home, call into work because obviously at this point, I don't have a way to get there and try to settle down from traffic stop fun.

So today, I call my dad and ask him to give us a ride to pick up the van and call the towing company to see if they indeed had my van and how much it was going to cost me. $195. I was just a little stunned, but I gotta have the van and Chel can drive me to work until I get my license straightened out. I was already going to renew it since it expires on my birthday but damn. Remember the part above about it being since July of 2007? Mind you in this time, I had gotten the new van, renewed the registration for it and changed the address on my license. You would think that at some point they would've have said oh by the way your license is invalid. So, I guess on Monday I'm going to be making some phone calls and try to figure out what the hell happened because my license should have been perfectly alright.

Talking to the lady at the towing place (who apparently used to work for Sec of State) she noticed my driver's license renewal slip in with my other papers and mentioned that if my license was suspended/invalid then I probably wouldn't have gotten a renewal notice. So, now I'm trying to put two and two together. I know a couple years ago, after the last time I had issues with my license being expired, I had to pay that damn driver's responsibility fee, and was late paying so they suspended my license, but I took care of all of that, and paid to get my license reinstated. Great mysteries abound.

But all in all, even with that, it couldn't tarnish the awesome evening I spent with my friend, many laughs, good wine and interesting conversation. I hope to share another evening like that soon. It was good for my soul.

Sinner's Airway Flight 36...

Have you ever felt like your life was in a holding pattern? Circling the airport, waiting to land?

That's how I'm feeling lately. I can't say things are bad, and honestly, they're really not. As far as things go, they've been pretty on the level. A bit frustrating on some levels, but that's all part of the journey isn't it? I've kept this rickety plane in the air for the past 36 years and I don't intend to let it fall out of the sky...yet, or ever if I can help it.

My world has an interesting dichotomy at this point. Not unwelcome, but at the same time, generates a fair amount of stress, which apparently I thrive on for some reason. Or I just have wide enough shoulders to carry it all. I'm not really sure what makes me go lately, other than coffee. I'd like to say love and affection, which thankfully, hasn't dried up.

I've been having moments where my frustration boils over and all I can do is sit there with tears streaming down my cheeks. Sometimes it has a focus or a reason, but other times it's just the product of the emotional wellspring flooding over. Everything feels a little disjointed, like my thoughts...

I've been writing music lately. And not just chunks of stuff. We're talking music and lyrics. And I've started writing poetry again. Apparently I found my muse again and is flooding me with all sorts of love. Either that or I just need an outlet for all these emotions and music and poetry is just a natural one for me.

I'm running out of things to say, other than these last few final thoughts for certain people:

I'm not going anywhere, I am for real, and your feelings are not only important to me, they are precious to me.

Rev

Poems for a Thanksgiving Day...

I'll post an actual blog since work is being a little gentle right, but I wanted to put these up. I've found my muse again apparently. Music, poetry, lyrics... it's like the tap turned back on.

Angels with Broken Wings

Angels with broken wings
Minds swirling in darkness
Souls tortured by anguish
Tarnished hearts so precious
Would they take my hand?
Could they trust my grace?
---+----
Fury

Fists like iron balls of rage
I wish I could scream aloud
My anger refuses to be sated
The coals of my ire ignited
Like a thief from the past
Stealing from my present
I wish you could pay like I do
The price for your sins
---=---
Holding Pattern

I can see the ground
From my spiral holding pattern
So close, yet so far
Forced into autopilot
I just want to land this plane
So tired of flying
Feels like limbo
Want to feel your touch
Down on the ground

...

I feel truly like an embodiment of chaos today. My mind feels like it's been scrambled and I'm swinging back and forth between emotions like flipping the pages of a book.

I don't even know where to begin, other than I opened a door last night that I tried to hide for a very, very long time. There is a very good reason why I kept this door locked and hidden away for years, and I will spare the details, other than the events of one's childhood are not always pretty and fun and happy. I know now why partly I am the way am. My compulsions, my fears, my paralysis.

The last year has been a test of my backbone, my strength, my resolve, and so far I've come through better than I would've thought I would. But now, in light of other revelations about the past, I'm starting to see cracks around the edges. Cracks that if I don't do something about now, is going to wreck far greater havoc on my life than I could even imagine.

Right now, I need to be at my strongest. Maybe the cracks are just the nasty crust of the past that's built up and is finally getting ready to fall away. Or...is it my sanity that is cracking... I've resolved to not keep this to myself. I'm going to find someone to talk to. A counselor, a preacher, at this point, I don't care. I just can't do this by myself and my love needs me.

Even the Rev needs to talk to someone. I've spent too many years trying to deal with things on my own, and while partially successful, I'm not where I should be, need to be.

Rev.