Spring! And all the chaos it brings!

Hello sinners,

Sorry it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has been taking one of its chaotic and sometimes crazy turns. I won't bore you with the details, but lets just hope we've got the hospital visits out of the way for 2010, k 2010 can we agree to that?

Not a whole lot to say this time around, other than spring is rearing its ugly head and while I'm very happy about not having to endure cold and snow anymore, I'm definitely not happy about the chaos that spring brings.

For example, people have been cooped up in their caves all winter and we all know what that means -- cabin fever. When spring hits, its just about the time your brain is about to snap from all the bundling up (mentally and physically) and weird shit happens. I'm not sure what's going on with 2010, but it feels like a whole big dose of crazysauce got injected in the world.

Like friends just suddenly not being friends with you anymore, for no reason whatsoever. When you haven't said a word or do anything to provoke them. I'm not sure what the hell happened there, but I'm not going to stress about it. Perhaps, there is a greater reason why things like this happen. I know it sounds kind of hokey, but I'm a big subscriber to the whole things happen for a reason thing. I know there's a lot of people who claim bullshit and shananigans on that, which is all well and good, but I have my reasons. You may not see them for a long time, or never know why things happen, but there's still a reason.

That being said, I think this year is going to be interesting from the standpoint is that 20 years ago this year, I graduated from high school. All sorts of people that I went to high school with are starting to appear, friending me on facebook. They don't really say anything to me, which totally reminds me of high school. A great majority of the 385 people that I graduated with I never really talked to. I knew them all at least by name and face and had talked to them at one point or another over the time we were together in high school, but that's really the only conenction.

I am going to attend my 20 year reunion, I really don't know why. I don't feel a connection to any of these people or the high school that I attended. Honestly, I hated high school. It was a big horse and pony show and I couldn't wait to graduate. There are a couple people that I still talk to and hang out with occasionally, but they have always been good friends to me. I think I just want to go to wear my mohawk up and get people talking. I really can't think of any other reason at this point.

Time to sign off for now, sinners.
Rev

Beating back the bah humbugs!

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you should know already that we put our tree up last night. It turned out to be a much better evening than I had thought it would be.

Our Xmas Tree

We started the day off with more fraud charges on Chel's bank account, thought a kid might've swiped her card, but it turned out it was these scammers. So, a good evening was definitely needed.

Dinner was awesome, and not to mention cheap. $8 to feed all of us. Thank you sales at Meijers! Veal patties with spaghetti sauce, melted mozarella cheese on top with some linguini as a bed. Mmm mmm mmm! Very tasty! While Chel was making dinner, Zach and I assembled the tree. A couple years ago, we decided to replace the monstrosity that was the tree my parents gave me years ago and got the white, pre-lit one in the picture. I really like the fact that I don't have to struggle with stringing lights all around it. Also Chel had made a batch of cookie dough, so that was chilling in the fridge as well.

After dinner, the dough came out and we broke out our sweet set of holiday cookie cutters. I think we bought them at Michael's a couple years ago, but there's 40 of them, half large half small. We had enough dough to make 4 pans of cookies, not a whole lot, but we're going to decorate them tonight.

While the cookies were being cut and cooked, I tasked the dork twins on xmas decoration seeking. After about 15 minutes, they came back upstairs with a tub full of stuff. Yay! I spent a good hour going through it and sorting good from bad and making discoveries of stuff that I didn't know we had from when Chel and I combined our stuff. You really can't tell from the pic, but the ornaments are a mixed bag. Some keepsakes/heirlooms, some cheap-o plastic ones (that look cool at any rate), and these sweet little ones that Chel had made years ago from some kit. Between myself, Chel and the kids we had the tree all decorated relatively quickly.

Add in the eeePC sitting on the table blaring xmas music, the mood was cheery and festive. I remarked to Chel later that there wasn't a fight or argument all night. Truly a holiday miracle! I took pictures of the tree and the kids standing in front of it, figured since we're poor and didn't get school pics this year, might be cool to substitute my own special ones. After everything was said and done, kids in bed, I spent a few minutes taking so more 'artsy' pics of the tree. Random ornaments and such. Very cool stuff. I'll have to post them to my flickr account and show them off.

We may not be able to afford presents this year, but this is our gift to ourselves. Spending time together as a family is the best present we could get. The kids are quickly getting older and with any luck will fly from the nest in the next few years, so better enjoy it while we can.

Wishing the best for everyone this holiday season!
Rev.

The edge of fear and panic...

This was originally posted elsewhere, but I felt it belonged here as well..

-=0--

Last night, I found myself in a whole brand new world created out of the helllish old world I lived in years ago.

My lady was out having coffee with a friend, mainly to dissuade any romantic interest he may have in her, and I was/am completely fine with that. I work with the guy and he is a friend so there's no issue there.

I spent a good portion of the evening, talking with a friend and playing online. Completely fine with everything, up until around 11 pm. Then this nagging itch began in the back of my brain, scattering little doubts here and there. It kept progressing and getting more and more nagging and soon my concentration on the game was shot, and I kept picking up my phone.

As it was pretty cold in the basement, not to mention the room started to close in on me, I headed upstairs. At this point, I'm very anxious and keep looking at my phone. I decide to put the dogs to bed, trying to distract myself from what is obviously the grand entrance of a nasty panic attack. At one point, I looked at my phone and told myself that I wasn't going to text her because I didn't want to look like an asshole or checking up on her and threw it back down on the counter.

After that, I headed to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, smoking what buttends I could find in the ashtray. The house was silent, but the lack of sound was deafening. I laid down and grabbed my eeepc, suddenly needing to talk to someone..anyone... As I was just starting to talk to my friend, Chel got home. She realized what was going on and immediately started to talk me down.

I cannot remember ever having any kind of panic attack *ever*, even in the worst of situations, I am generally cool and calm. This scared me. Not only because it was something new, but this wasn't even a real date! This was just a couple of friends getting together to have some coffee and talk. I'm dreading the day that she goes out on an actual date, if this is going to be my reaction.

I know where this comes from. I know the specific event which caused it, or at least contributed greatly to my almost coming unhinged. My ex-wife. The night that she claims a co-worker wanted to take her out to dinner to 'thank her for her help during his divorce'. I highly suspected she was sleeping with him or another guy at the shop she worked for. She said she would be gone a couple hours and ended up being a couple hours later than that. This was one of many things that I had to deal with during our marriage, and I never got the chance or had the reason to do anything but suppress those awful memories and reactions.

Like I said before, this scares me. If I don't find a way to deal with this, then anything we try in our new life is going to come crashing down and I do not want that to happen. I don't want those things that are lurking in the darkest recesses of my mind to stay there, haunting me... waiting for the day to leap out and shred my confidence and send me into a downward spiral. Chel was and has been amazingly patient through all of this. I wish I had her patience and understanding, whatever peace she finds when I'm out doing my thing. I almost feel guilty because she would never do that to me and each time I come home, she's happy to see me and listen to me babble about my evening or whatever.

... The edge of fear lingers at the edges of my conciousness, I got lucky she came home when she did and was able to catch it and help me down from it.

There is a season, turn turn turn...

Not a lot to say other than I'm laying things aside for the time being. I don't have the desire or the want to be considered a complication or anything like that.

I am a nice guy. I do put the feelings of others into consideration in how I proceed with my path. I will let things alone that I do not want to let alone out of respect and caring.

I am not upset about this, or sad, or anything. In the past, I may been upset or even down about it, but I've been walking around with my head held high. My spirit is strong and it carries on.

That is all, sinners. Until next time, peace and love.
Rev.

Just an odd observation...

I was heading back upstairs after a quick break at work and as I waited for the elevator to come down, I realized something really funny about me and my life... Right now it's focused around the letter P.

I'm *P*oly.
I'm a *p*unk.
I'm a *p*ervert.
The lines between my *p*rivate life and my *p*ublic life are blurring.

Just kind of struck me as funny and I think almost giggled as I stepped into the elevator.

Blurring the lines, an admission...

For those that know me, and if you don't quite yet, I am for all practical purposes a very private person. What happens in my little world, I like to keep there. I'm not about parading my life for all to see, but things have changed in my life recently and are becoming all too apparent and noticeable.

So I'm just going to get it over and say it right here: I am poly. I've been hiding in this shell for too long without being able to admit it or deal with it. And now I'm just laying it out.

Chel and I have an open relationship. There I said it. We're both the same way.

What does this mean? It means that we are both capable of loving more than one person. Sounds clinical and dry, doesn't it? I've never been comfortable with being 'attached' to just one person. Not that I'm saying monogamy doesn't work it, it did, I have wonderful examples that say otherwise. It doesn't work for me.

What doesn't mean? It doesn't mean I'm just using this as an excuse to sleep around. I know that's a common misconception that floats around, and in our case, that's furthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, let me set the record straight. I am and will readily admit to being a very naughty and kinky person. I am not however, a slut or a manwhore. I cannot simply sleep with someone for purely physical reasons. There has be something more, a connection, feelings, a relationship. As a matter of fact, when it comes to sex, I have no lack of it.

This has been a long journey for me so far and it's so far from being over, and I'm learning each day to deal with things. To grow a little each day and realize that things that happened in my past are not going to be the same.

This has kind of become a tradition with not only me, but Chel as well, that we sometimes end posts with messages and I'm not going to skip this time...

First, for you, I know that I cannot wish all of the troubles away, but I hope that I can bring you some peace and moments of light. Keep searching for the sun, even on the cloudiest days.

And for you, the light of my life, you say that I am your rock, but you are mine. Your patience as I babble about my stumblings, my dreams, my desires is such a gift to me. Thank you.

Peace and love to you all,
Rev.

What an incredible birthday weekend!

I was going to write a blow by blow of what happened on this, which has to be the best birthday weekend that I've had in many, many years, but instead I just want to reflect on my life, the 37 years that I've lived so far.

In spite of my deep and ingrown cynicism, I have to say that I am truly blessed with a group of caring, fun and wonderful friends. Even the crazy Russian who kept supplying pickle shots. All I will say on the matter is beware a Russian with a tray of vodka shots and pickles.

Friday's nights events will not soon fade from my memories and I thank everyone who came out and made that a fun and crazy night from the bottom of my heart.

Last night, I finally got to see a band I grew up listening to and got to road trip to Detroit yet once again with friends who've made that trip many, many times in the past. Detroit punk rock shows never change and after the first two bands, the night got a lot better, culminating with DRI taking the stage and completely rocking my fucking socks off for the better part of two hours.

Tonight, I ended my weekend with dinner at my parents, cabbage rolls (yum! Thanks Mom!) and birthday cake with my family.

I have much more to say in reflection, but I'll save that for another post. Oh, and to top the weekend off, a very dear friend of mine found me on facebook.

I think this weekend was to quote my dear Chel, "a gift from the universe" for the past year and the crazy rollercoaster ride that it's been.

Peace and love to you all,
Rev.